God as a concept and spirituality and psychology has always intertwined for me.
On this journey of self discovery, trying to become a better human and finding only more questions when i look for answers has been a perpetual fight against many of my demons.
My latest trials, has led me further down the path of Dr Carl Jung’s teachings, Buddhism, Hinduism and Christianity. The perplexity of the dynamically interlinked theories and ideas always require a dose of magic shrooms to fully Neurotransmit all the information. Inside of me the information, realizations and complexities arise into more shadow work.
I would like to say that for the past year i have been dealing with “stuff” but in reality, we all deal with earthly “stuff” all the time. So I will talk about my inner challenges only.
About 6 years ago i started my awakening process during which the first phase was completeting the ego death process. After all this time i do not believe complete ego death is possible while living in todays society as a functioning member contributing to economic stability, or even raising a family. anyway, i deviate.
The second phase of the awakening process is then called shadow work. where you have all these realizations that your just as evil and wicked as you are good. Its the reflection phase where you see yourself and your own flaws displayed in others and you can no longer judge. or in my case, i was placed in the same scenarios where i had placed judgement on others actions and yet my actions matched theirs 100% so the judgement i cast i found my self guilty of. Devastating when you realize what you had and what you have lost. ignorance is only bliss aslong as you remain ignorant.
after doing all this work, you reach a level of consciousness where you become aware of something inside you. I has its own voice and when it speaks, it gives a light pain or cramp just under the left rib. And you yet again awake to the level of consciousness that you are not yet done. there is another demon left to fight inside you and the last one is very rarely attained.
yen yan, Egos and logos. its the duplexity of the feminine and masculine energies inside all of us. its where we attain – Balance.
I was yet again amazed by how everything happens for a reason. I have this friend who is spiritually light years beyond me. i mean, this girl has her shit together. Recently started focusing on her Christian path with more focus and application. At the same time i start dreaming and having visions about me having to go back to church. which i am obviously fighting i mean. the concept of church and clergy has never sat well with me. I have no space for Male driven instructions ( but we will get to that later), however i have been doing it long enough to know that it will require some internal reflection and more research. as with all things the universe does, if you don’t listen it yells harder. In just a few weeks my consciousness was expanding to the energies inside me and i burned for that bubbling feeling inside me that i used to have. before my divorce. balance they said was not doing anything in excess – including being happy. and i struggled – this doesn’t sit with me. is this really wat yen and yan feels like? did i work this hard for peace only to feel nothing? and out of nowhere another spiritual connection of mine reappears into my space and loudly and persistently yells at me what i have been dealing with spiritually while i yell back at her all these emotional connections that keep me from accepting these new truths. i don’t want to let go of that feeling . Our conversations take me down the path of Dr Jung and his Aminu’s, Amina theory. and BAM, its like this instant understanding of where i be next spiritually and why i feel like my physical life is turning into a cold and icy desolate space.
so yeah, I’m onto this next level demon busting thing now and i am intrigued for the next six months and the lessons they will hold. I love learning about myself and the reasons i believe i have for being them. i love watching myself spit fire and being beaten down by karma the next instant. when you open yourself up to your humanness, somehow you can forgive anything and everyone.
my actions have displayed me as a person with intent to harm to disern and to devalue. while all the time i felt those things inside. its true what they say, we hurt the ones we love the most when we use them as mirrors and not as lessons.