Diligence for my mouth and a dictionary for my tongue.
She says to me: ‘ So many times I wanted to take a kokipen and fix your spelling mistakes. I kept thinking to myself how crazy you are for writing these things on all the walls of the house but not being able to spell them”.
My brother says to me: ” I forgot, you don’t have emotions anyway, you don’t feel anything for the dead”
He says to me: ” I would love for you to meet my father but your language embarrasses me”
They say to their friends: ” No, we don’t invite her when we have others over because she is too offensive and loud”.
To themselves they say: ” Don’t tell her anything, she keeps nothing to herself”
And somehow they all finish off with : ” But she is really not a bad person, you just kind of have to know her to love her”.
Well ladies and gentleman believe it or not – I see all of the above as compliments. Sure, I realize I have some work to do but anyone who ever thinks their work is done, will surely realize there is more work to do. We are in ourselves designed to be perfectly imperfect. Such is the universe we live in, chaotic. But I also have to give myself credit for what they are not saying anymore. My sarcastic sociopathic side, my ego, still comes into major play here. And while I realize its all justifications and affirmations to continue behavior – I do indulge in my friends and families feelings for me.
I once had a best friend, who after knowing me for 5 years sent me a message one day to say that she never wants anything to do with me ever again. That for reasons she wished not to explore, she doesn’t want to associate herself with me. I once met someone and after just five minutes they proceeded to tell me how shallow, spiteful, selfish and ignorant I really was. I once met someone who told me I have a god complex and I need to get my head out of the air to stop thinking myself better than everyone else. I once knew someone who meant the world to me , and all I remember is the pain in his eyes the moment he felt betrayed by me.
Phycology says we are who we are because of many reasons but categorized they form primarily: Biology ( our mums and dads genetics) Environment ( growing up with/ without parents in a un/ stable living space) Society ( our exposure to what is expected of us and what’s happening around us) Education ( wider our knowledge base the wider our framework for piecing things together) physiology (what’s happening inside our bodies and our bodies abilities). I went thru it all, I worked thru all of my demons pushing people away and everyday I get challenged and succeed.
My journey over 10 years now has lead to a more in-depth understanding and acceptance of not only myself but those around me. We all come from our own walks of life , learning our own limitations along the way. we do not all start at the same starting point and even if we did, some don’t have the physiology to keep up. some due to environment will never even show up. others will give into what society needs them to be. Do our limitations and abilities make us less or more than those who perceive to be better than us? Does our expression of ourselves really matter more than our spiritual wellbeing?
I see this car guard guy, obviously homeless, obviously no prospects or education and would generally be discarded with nothing to offer. and yet, looking closely at this junkie’s worn-down appearance I see how he organizes the entire street. Sees my face and rolls my number plate off his tongue even thou he hasn’t seen me in 3 weeks. Wow, I cannot even remember the name Shannon, never mind a strangers number plate. what he offers on a daily basis is security, so 100% for remembering who drives what and ensuring the right person leaves with the right car. I ask – who is more clever here? who has more right to express himself? who is entitled to live his truth?
So I had a dream from God, which led to a manic meltdown, which lead to the birth of me, which has brought me here. Do my limitations now make me less worthy? Do my limitations make what I have to offer society as a whole less valuable? am I invalidated because how I say it is not how you’d like to hear it?
No, it doesn’t. Me being careless with the finer details, me lacking in the correct emotional response, me being loud and my pathetic language use still all form part of my journey. What I have to offer the world cannot sit and wait until I learn to remember to speak well, dress better, calm my passion and be clear in my intentions. I cannot be held back because the way I do something or the way I present myself doesn’t fit a box you made. I cannot limit my potential because I don’t tick all the things on your list to qualify as successful. I run by my own terms.
What I have learned from the ones who say : ” but once you know her, you’ll love her” is there in that love – that freedom to be myself with all my mistakes that I am given the opportunity to grow. become better. Yes I know what I have to work on – its made clear to me by my love for them in return, definitely not by some hater trying to make me feel smaller so they can breathe. When I grow and become more or how fast I do it or the methods I use to attain it – is non of the haters business, but they will feel a sudden change in the wind.