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Hear me when I say, ‘I love you”

Love potion for Winter hands, Lies, Manipulation and Deceit.

Tormentors double up as our Mentors. Such is the karmic path of love because thru rejection we find redirection. If we are truly born for purpose in this life time, why do we search for it in others?

I remember even now what it felt like. A feeling so consuming, so breathtaking it blinds you and as the chemicals rush thru the brain and body all I could think is… I love this man. chest cramping, lungs dissolving and eyes blinded in love. Never imagined that the feeling would stop or that I could ever feel like that about anyone else. When the disillusion occurred and my white picket fence life started falling apart, the feeling grew. how is it that we can love someone still that has hurt us so deeply? As the time passes and actions become memories, we tend to reflect on the past while we plan for the future to prevent repeating mistakes.

initial reflections always present more pain and anger for the situation that played out. our Ego is throwing justifications and excuses around, while we remain silent about our faults. one day, when we have thought about it deep enough we realize our role we played. If we are willing to go one step further, we can even heal from it.

A true reflection of what my Perception was as to “how deep is our love” came one day. They say we fall in love 3 times in our lives each time, learning something new about love. how to show it, receive it, express it and feel it. they say each “falling in love” experience feels unique to its own depending on the lesson we should be learning, but it doesn’t mean that one love means more or less than the other.

I find it hard to accept. I crave the feeling in my bones. I need to experience love like that. like an addict I find it hard not to crave that level of happiness as a lifestyle standard. Inexplicably drawn to another. I have been blessed with another opportunity for love, yet the high is not the same. Just cannot quite reach it. Like the first time.

Fresh Perspective was in immediate demand. Looking around me, I saw relationships of all sorts. I noticed people were loving each other in unconventional ways. I realized that the concept of monogamy was the true root of evil. Love, a reaction to trust and respect, a response to giving.

So what WAS the feeling that I crave so deeply if what we shared was not love. If love isn’t really real, then why was I still burning to have it. Sometimes the “Always and forever” bit has more to do with the lesson than the person. What we learn from loosing our Always and forever, is what always and forever really means to us.

So did that mean the feeling was not love, it was suffocating dependence?  The feeling I had was not the feeling over love, it was the feeling over USE? Think about this for a second MJ, really be honest.

I loved because I trusted. He didn’t because he couldn’t. You cannot love if you cannot trust and you cannot trust someone who doesn’t respect you even when you give them everything. Another realization of selfishness as one person is filled with undying love and another lonely and isolated.

My truth is, I loved hard. but my actions didn’t show it. Truth is, he loved hard yet his actions proved the same disrespect. Depending from who’s perspective your asking, the other was the bad guy. Thru the pain and loss, I never understood how you could love someone and cheat. I had cheated in the past,  during which time the “Love” i felt for my partner was not nearly as strong as it had later been. It doesn’t make sense to me. Love, devotion and commitment , trust and transparency was essential, as I spend my days running thru my past trying to understand what love meant to me, all I could see is that everything I said it meant to me, I never gave. So to feel loved it means someone needs to give but I give nothing back. Infact, me saying I love you meant that now I see your obligation towards me. Being there for me in everyway I needed, exactly when I needed, as long as I needed in a manner that I needed, and in return I will criticize, disrespect and devalue everything you say, do, create or get passionate about, just incase it detours from me. When I say I love you it means that I am emotionally unavailable to what your going thru, aspire too. when I say I love you, it means that I hold you fully accountable for my happiness, however I define it.

Somewhere in the Holy bible….Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Climbing up a hill that was, admitting I have a problem, I was able to view the valley and see all the “people I loved”. If I had not seen with my own eyes what me loving people did, i could never have believed that i was capable of such evil even while living it. because my intentions we never to hurt, they were to love. i simply loved, the wrong way.

so, Love is intention? . why ? Intention without action leads to ZERO results. What kind of a love is the bible talking about here, because what i felt as love was all consuming and there was just no way I can do those things, love you like those words say – and still feel so intensely over you. my passion for you runs to high. Its in that passion level that i find that feeling, the overwhelming crave so no. It cannot be love.

Empty love, romantic love, fatuous love or consumate love. Non of those Love ‘s come close to Agape. The truest form of Love must be what the bible means. To me heartbroken princess, It meant that true love does exist, and that it was within my reach. How hard could it actually be , loving someone unconditionally, as unconditional love is what I had been giving all those years, its why I felt like I lost everything. Right?

Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations, or love without conditions.

Yeah, well limitations and conditions pretty much summed it up. the sad truth is, it was me who got the chance to experience love as set out by my definitions. Love, something I’m not capable of giving. By the time I was conscious enough it had been to late to fix any past mistakes but I remain determined to ” Love harder” for another.  Taking my learned lessons out for a walk and meeting someone new, implementing these rules and watching how the other person transforms themselves.

When we decide what we want from love, the decision to love unconditionally becomes easier. When we make someone feel loved as per their definitions, it gives them the safety needed to grow. When someone loves us per our definitions we too, grow. People come into your life for a reason or a season, or a lifetime. Everyone of us linked by our Karmic paths to love and serve each other, unconditionally. Bridges, assignments, teachers, angels, or tribe , road blocks and guideposts all make up the unique relationships and different levels of love.

And so I wished that he too may be loved like he loved me. I was sure of his desire to be loved as he had loved me. Motivated, I set out to love another, the way he loved me, “unconditionally”.

Attempting unconditional love with humans other than ones children is most certainly a test of character. And yet trying to love the way I perceived his love to be, found me questioning my character and needing to make minute micro changes to myself to ensure compliance. Silently, slowly cutting away pieces of myself as I continue to love. love them as they perceive love to be – and i will have my feeling back. glazing electric sparks thru my body.

It was a sudden rush of emotions when it sunk in that He, like me, felt he was loving me unconditionally and yet it was no love at all. In order for him to be enough for me he needed to ensure my happiness even if it meant making changes to who he was. compromising his character and while thinking it was enough for him too, it wasn’t. him loving me, meant he had to lie, deny himself and me while manipulating the situation to maintain the ” love”.

I don’t know yet what love really is, what truly defines it and why we experience it so intensely and possibly completely differently than our partners. We may love them, but are we truly loving them? and, Does loving them mean I  have to love myself less? is Love fidelity or is fidelity commitment and commitment love? it is impossible to say  as long as love is defined by the heart.

As long as we are prepared to love , and love again – but better for both your sakes. loosing faith in love, However you define it must never alter your ability to love unconditionally, especially when the two are defined differently by you. Love is a matter best understood between the parties it is shared, because it defines the word Chaos. Find your electro sparkle love and protect it with your willingness to be humble.

MJ

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