Beginnings always find themselves in ends.
Our relationship with time is as much a complicated one as the ones we have with spouses.
When we think of time, our minds present it in a linear form and we speak them as memories, as situations and as future aspirations. whatever role time plays in your life from your daily rustle to your yearly review, all the way to your retirement planning one constant remains – time is relative to how much we have already used, and we all only get so much.
Time is also a system that provides us with lessons. Should we accept them, they can lead to growth. Somehow humans have an instilled belief that investing this limited commodity into something will bring us the most happiness. It’s for sure the case with me.
An immense amount of time is not all I have invested in this journey of self discovery and spiritual-wokeness, but it is by far the most valuable. it was in this month almost a year ago i started making preparations for the journey ahead. I was scared of what i would be loosing, giving up and walking away from. what if I went and it didn’t work. what if i didn’t. nearly 4 months after the acceptance of needing to go, i finally went. Time doesn’t stand still for anyone, and with graduation already 6 months ago, its obvious that some growth occurred.
Life after Ithwasa is still just a daily battel with ego, society and my own spiritual strength. I guess I placed myself in this box and I told everyone to accept this box exactly as it is with no exceptions. struggling all around me to find someone who will hold the box without dropping it, only to realize it was me shaking the box in the first place.
I needed Ithwasa to bring me some sort of clarity. I needed it to give me some list of things i was supposed to do. I was determined to mold myself to this state, for happiness. I went all in, as with everything I do. I tried living this Traditional healer life and ways. Including the traditions into my home, into my yard and into my method of healing. Dressing the part and greeting the part. Instead, a voice inside kept telling me how the new me was not enough. It was different and out of place. It kept telling me that these things are unnecessary and i needed to remove them from my life. i was being weird and making myself an outsider when we worked so hard for people to connect with us in the first place. I found myself hiding in the house, only leaving when i must incase i get another glare, or more smart mouthed questions.
These voices only being confirmed with the challenges for finding patients until they find out what you do and then no longer become interested. Employment opportunities looking you in the face and saying : ” you don’t look like your cv, what happened to you?” . People in the streets looking, laughing, pointing or simply moving straight out the way from you. My father being ill and family not even informing me incase i “get involved” and attending his funeral with vivid judgmental stares as to who this person in front of them is.
During ithwasa I was surrounded by Spiritual people operating at that frequency, it was easy to maintain my own level of awareness. Being back, sjoe. intense. Setting myself to these standards of saying ok, you went to ithwasa so now you have to be in this box all the time because its what you chose, was driving me emotionally downhill. It took being on TV for a guest to mention that maybe what was upsetting me was not how people were reacting, but rather to my own acceptance of who I was. Instead of me thinking ok, now I have done this, now I have arrived, I should be thinking, wow what a great learning opportunity, where is this journey taking me next?
The journey of who i was going to be now was the one I was struggling with already. It placed me in such an ego state I even destroyed a friendship that means more to me than I could explain. It took a tole on my health and my relationships as balancing my wants and what i needed, and what i was expressing didn’t match my intention. i felt more lost than before going. like it was all for nothing.
She was right, my problem was not the acceptance of others, but instead of myself. this label of sangoma doesn’t sit well with me. It was me causing my own discomfort because I did not agree with the box I placed myself in. A box I felt I needed to be in because I completed my ithwasa. I still needed to grow and I was limiting my own growth by labeling myself.
I needed to investigate this matter on a deeper level within. So I have spent the last few months considering how my friends are always telling me I don’t know what I want. the combination of the situation and the facts show me that i still don’t think i am good enough. in my core i still don’t believe it. doesn’t matter what i do, or how well i do it. in fact, the better i do it the less i believe it. Like these standards, these boxes are never comfortable for me, and yet i keep jumping from the one box to the next. i design the boxes, and then decide its not enough. but instead of saying that. i just end up walking away. I have a friend whose explanation of what i do is the most loving as i don’t respond to – you don’t know what you want – she says: ” you get bored quickly” . Upon reflection, that’s just as bad as not knowing what you want and getting bored with what your doing.
The struggle now is finding this spiritual level of vibration that i enjoy so much, reaching higher levels, without walking away or changing direction because of feeling of not being enough because I have boxed myself in.. Really thought I dealt with this, so finding new ways of growing from here will take effort. Ice creams tubs and some sad movies.
For now, I have decided to focus less on the box, and more on what movements in the box give me freedom without falling, and what movements cause discomfort. Also started looking out the box a bit, but not too far as i might jump into a new one. All I know is the passion I have for continuing on this journey and making more discoveries will never fade.
So in a box or not, going thru growing pains or not. I will continue to focus on my limiting behavior and work hard on bettering myself for internal happiness.
May you too experience growth, peace and kindness. May your reflect on life as a never ending time machine that keeps producing valued memories, healthy now’s and excitable futures living your passion for life.