Shaggy and Shady they may be, but the voices are in my head!
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about what my life would have been like if anyone actually took me to be evaluated for mental health.
My 9 year journey has been long and hard and I would admit to quite a number of total emotional meltdowns. If professionals were to ever do an evaluation I am sure medication would have been prescribed and some hospital suggested. However it was the commitment to keep asking one question that always got me to keep moving forward and keep trying to do better next time.
Who am I? Who am I but the conditioning of my environment, a conditioning of set responsibilities. who am I, but a repeat of another generational curse?
While doing this, ego comes at you like a cheetah on the hunt. Swooping in with all of its justifications and reasons for its attitude. Ego claims of times no one was there for you and it was you who had too. Ego reminds us of the times we trusted and it hurt, of the time we loved and it left, of the time we gave and it broke. Psychology explains the ego and sense of I in great details for how it works and where it comes from. Ego really is the thing inside you that wants to keep you safe, but it seldom is on your side.
If I can consider for a moment in utter honesty, I will see the human that I am. I have done terrible things in my life. I have done every bit of everything ever done to me. I have spoken words, done actions of karmic proportions. I have disappointed the creation I want to be with my ego many times. I have always wondered what triggered those emotions and set to hard emotional work on ironing out the unwanted reactions and creating a happier me.
I find I get to look at life from a few broad perceptions based on my own life experience. Religion as a combination of them all, offers up a few similarities that combine in with Spirituality and its beliefs. Generational curses considered by one group may be considered nothing more than bad luck by another group. ancestors, or spirit guides or angels – either way we all agree there is more to life than what we can see. How people form their perceptions and what those perceptions are , leads to some people being grouped together for having the same few sets of perceptions. you know what I mean, we group people together because of how we think – they perceive things. in psychology it gets done aswell and one of these perception collections are personality types. Its the one all of us use too, all the time. Its how we survive in this world or its how we experience it.
We call some narcists, some psyco’s. Some have split personalities and some are just bi polar. some are sociopathic and ruthless others are psychopathic and cold.
what ever label we chose to put on our view of how others perceive the world, its easier to do with others than it is for yourself. I finally admitted to myself that i was self centered, selfish, energy draining to others, depressive and manipulative. I displayed narcissistic behavior. I was just an over all mean person making decisions that ensured my isolation and others dedication. Admitting to myself that i in fact displayed sociopathic behaviors repeatedly throughout my life gave me the opportunity at reform.
The first step really is admitting the situation. The facts. The next step is being very clear on who you are. Finally, accepting responsibility and doing better.
You wont grow anywhere if you don’t first deal with the facts and truth is, most humans are not very nice. So what you will find in the mirror if you are truly standing there naked, will be a very different creature than who you wish to show to the world. This is a painful process that requires time and a few hugs. Not being able to do this is what leads people down the roads of coping mechanisms. Because coping is easier than dealing. projecting is easier than accepting and blaming is easier than taking responsibility.
I’m in the pursuit of happiness and I know ill be fine once i get it, I know ill be good. Tell me what you know about dreams, tell me what you know about nightmares. Do you really care about the trials of tomorrow? Or will you rather lay awake in your bed full of sorrow. – Kid Cudi song.
This song reminds me that in order to be happy , I need to keep dreaming. thinking it will be a nightmare and not going to sleep and even try dreaming is the most scary thing.
Growing for what ever reason into a more happy you, starts with accepting.