Either the scariest thing for me to do or the stupidest.21 days to go. 3 weeks exactly from today I will be sleeping with a sheep for the night. Just so that it can be killed and consumed by me the next day…Graduation.
Things are coming to a closure here for ithwasa and the new beginnings are starting to sprout.
Skirts and bead work are done. Busy with the arm and headband beadwork. My fingers have blood blisters from the needling and I still suck at it… bit it’s a proud moment admiring my skeef handy work… .Drumming is a special time for me now… something that made me cry a few times and want to go home has become my safe haven for letting go of emotions and turmoil. The need to rush home and get on with life has also left me. Get on with life… jesus MJ… this is your life. Every moment of it… Stop rushing it. Stop fighting it… stop looking ahead and just focus on the now. Breath. Take it all in.
I’ve fallen in love with this way of life. The chickens. The fruit trees. The wind and the sun. The peace. Have an apple in my throat when I think of “home” . They say home is where the heart is.
My heart is currently in this space. And I know I will be crying when I need to leave. Wasn’t ready to come here. and a few times I wanted to give up… now I sit here heart sore about needing to leave.
Life is crazy like that. Gives you what you think you dont want until you find it to hard to live without. Only one thing left for me to do now and that’s wait for graduation. Everyday I find more balance. I recognize my ancestors so easily now …. to be me … just comes more easily. When they make an appearance the relationship is to give and take than just crazy.
Managed to finally get my store. Products are doing well and clients are coming in. Proud. I did all that by myself. Honestly I’m not a business person.. so from here on out I’m stressing… Negotiations, planning, leading … that part of business is just not me.. I’m the passion the energy the smile. I need logic and reason or all I’ll have is what I have now and I so badly want to be successful in this venture. I’ve just never been the boss .. it’s scary. And makes me uncomfortable. I need someone who can tell me enough is enough. .. I need to submit.
I suppose I’ll grow into it too. Just so many new beginnings all at once… feels like I’m evolving at a rapid speed and I cannot take 5 min to just to breath and take a moment to see where I am at.
I’m tired but happy. scared but energized. I’m definitely going to ly in my bed for a full day and feel extremely sorry for my self when I get back. Then I will get up and push forward some more. .. My life as a sangoma is not something I can hide from. just no going back either way. I’m branded now. At least I’m not crazy anymore. lol.. I guess that’s up for review. I notice I treat disappointment and disrespect better… I still get upset when people waste their potential especially when they have lots..don’t seem to have more patience but letting go seems easier… think about people that effected my life more than ever…I just want them around me. I do swear a lot less. like major.. but they still pop out I just feel bad about it now… never felt bad for swearing. so… growth atleast.
The gifting to my ancestors have been incredible. People giving all sorts of stuff. the more the gifts the more respected I am. It shows my ancestors they deserve. They then in return bless you with good luck . My dreams are more clear and direct. I find value in each of them. The dreaming is a crucial part of living with ancestors. I’m still madly into psychology.. . More so than ever before.
My power is opening up and consultations are impressive… just love seeing thru people. the pain inside their struggles. just don’t feel the excessive need to help them. I’m respected now and you’ll pay for my power. otherwise…each to his own. Love and peace.