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What do you want?

At Insight light training centre this is a question that gets asked to you for 2 days straight. There is only one answer and no matter what you say they keep asking the question. Over and over until you get it. Turning point. It’s the name of 1 of 3 workshops they offer.

Turning point is a 5 day programme that is held thru the night. Its designed so that you can face your hangups… clear the cup of all the marbles so that you can look at yourself as a clear glass. Its brutal. They have mastered psychology to the next level. They RIP you open and let you let it all out… while showing you exactly what your actions leave behind in the ashes. Showing you how you are the only one holding you back in life. What do you want ? Is a question I have been asked so much since I started this journey. What do you want? Is a question you cannot really expect the answer to. When you can have anything you could ever want or dream about.

What do you want. ? Now that my ancestors have made themselves clear as to what is is they want. And how we will get there…Its finaly my turn to decide what it is I want. Mathlasela will no longer be a crazy ravage angry warrior. Because he recieved his respect.

Nyamuka has her store. a place to heal and to show love.

Janette is a true hustler and has managed to clear pathways you couldn’t even imagine. Now they sit and wait and ask me… What do you want? I don’t know because I thought the answer was nothing. I sat there in training crying. Doing memory playback. Spitting out selfish wants. Material requirements that matter nothing.

And after all that emotional work. All the I want nothing. I want nothing. All the sacrifices all the wants i gladly responded to with i want nothing. Fucking hurt. it hurts like hell not “having any expectations'”. To reach a point where you can realise this hurts man… you don’t just arrive at this destination without having some fool take advantage. Or some person thinking you have an agenda. It took guts. and a hell of a lot of letting go and now they ask me…What do I want? What? Where do I even begin. Every single answer leads me to feel guilt. I am unable to take anything for myself.

I keep getting caught up in my surrounding and the people that make it and their needs. I have no idea where I begin to take what I want. 30 days left of ithwasa. Then I graduate. Then I have some real decisions to make about what MJ wants. What MJ deserves. What MJ needs. What MJ is willing to invest for what she wants and what she will settle for to get what she needs. It’s bad. Really bad… I am genuinely going thru something here. I finally see just me and I am a beautiful blonde little girl with a skew tooth. Full of light and love and joy. I need to help her get what she wants. I need to protect her. I need to figure that shit out.

Peace.

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