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Trust is earned

When you give up control and find yourself amongst your own.

It’s been to long since I have found myself surrounded by humans that care.

I mean, just purely care. No self interest. No tit for tat.

I moved to a township to do my ithwasa. I knew I was going to have to let go of some of my luxury living and eating habits. I mean Its pap and…… and pap and…. and pap and…. every single night. I wasn’t expecting to be treated any differently. I prepared for pap and…. every night.

Without asking, without saying.. did you see. Just somehow after watching me and when I eat and what I eat I notice the meals change.

Rice and mince. Wors. More Vegies. Less curry chicken, less chakalaka and pap. Fruits in the house over flowing.

Now, I have been to the shops around here. Grapes 500g. R56. 4 pears R40 . Stew meat R100 per kg. Wors R96 per kg.

If you’re working for R250 a day. Spend R75 on a taxi and got 3 kids. Your not taking home no R56 grapes. Them kids eating pap and chicken sous.

I had such a magnificent day. I woke up at 2.30 with light in my heart and a song on my lips. I’ve been doing well at school and this attention seeker is being duly praised. However, I find it difficult to eat with people I don’t trust. I dunno, maybe it’s fat girl thing but I just don’t easily do it.

Today, for the first time since I arrived. We shared dinner. I may only consume drink or food while seated in the doumpa. And they came to sit with me, just because I was having dinner. (Usually don’t eat at night here)

I realised this profound thing I have somehow forgotten….

Families that eat together, stay together.

At first, I realised I would be eating with my hands. Then I realised I was the only one using both hands. Overpowering my food. I was taking it without pace or gratitude.

Looking at my plate I suddenly connected with my food. (Ek weet, byt vas) I connected with these people who have opened up their homes to me, their hearts and their limited pockets.

So while food and accommodation is kind of a no brainer here. Their efforts at truly accommodating me are exemplary.

And in the midst of my mind comes the flooding memories of all my blessings. I am so deeply deeply grateful for each soul I have ever met. whether the connections were equaly as positively profound as the next or not. Each one shared a form of “giving” of themselves. Some which I was to blind to see at the time. Some I was to hardheaded to recognize. And some that didn’t get the value they deserved.

I look at how I’m always two hands in, and while the fire and passion can be commemorated. It leaves some unintentionally choking on the dust.

Taking a moment. standing back. Observing the environment, has left a mark on my heart the size of a crater.

To Trust is to surrender to the unknown.

So thank you for loving me. Thank you for walking this journey with me. Thank you for ducking the heated spew and the armour you needed to be in my life.

I am sorry.
For every belittling.
Every conceded comment.
Every forgotten reach out.
You’re my family and I am grateful for it.
Love you ne.

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