Sociopathic control leads to complete powerlessness.
Control is a form of power for the powerless. Lying in bed, tired, sore and drained. Staring at a light that is the main source of irritation. All I can imagine is that if the light were a person I would give it a piece of my mind. And so I did.However as with all things were anger and irritation are involved, letting go is a process. A process that conflicts with self indulging behaviours. If you don’t let go, it won’t come right.
Looking at my life piece by piece I cannot help but be overwhelmed by the amount of love I have received. Even in times where I was the most selfish and rude I still had people on my side. I have had the same experience here. Control is fictitious. It’s simply a coping mechanism for things we don’t trust or fully understand. Letting energy truly flow naturally takes guts and a hell of a lot of self confidence.
It was a tuff week and by Wednesday afternoon when the Daily sun showed up, I was at the peak of my self pity. I was so ready to go home. How did I find myself here? I have done enough research to know that the symptoms I was presenting with border line schizophrenic behaviour or at the very least a Bi polar disorder. One conversation after the other with various persons and the previews of what was supposed to happen just wasn’t happening for me. If I came all this way just to find out I needed to fake it, I was packing up and booking myself into Denmar.
And then it happened and it happened again and again until today when it all happened at once. By letting go of the control I was trying to have over the situation I was able to let go of the % in me that wasn’t actually a believer, and by doing that , I became free.
I have 3 Ancestors. 2 Ndau 1 mnguni. Their names present respectively as Nymuka, the healer. Mathlasela , the warrior and Janette the protector.
I will spend the next few weeks with my ancestors in training. So we can learn to be at peace with each other. I have an over whelming feeling of gratitude. For life itself and all the wonders it brings.2 times a day I have drumming sessions. The easier it becomes, the longer the sessions get.
Staring from 30 minutes to today’s session of 3 and a half hours. At first a draining and daunting task is now a celebration. My proficiency in Tsonga, Sesotho and Zulu are in need of dramatic improvement if I am to complete my ithwasa. But everyday I am learning and everyday I become more. My days start at 3 in the morning after sleeping in the doumpa. I thank our lord God for my 3 fishes and I plan to use them wisely. I know who I am. I have my purpose and come trials come pain. It will be faced with broad shoulders a spear and a loving fire that will not be blissed.
I am Margaretha and God made be perfect exactly as I am. I wear imperfections as my armor with pride. I am here to heal and to protect and nothing will stand in my way. Humility. Respect and compassion.