The Journey of Self and the Reflection I found in the mirror

Once you realize your a manipulating self indulged sociopath, there really only is two choices you can make.

By end of August 2012, I had become a mother. During the pregnancy I was so happy to know that soon I would hold my own creation in my arms. Promises of a better life, hopes of fortunes to bring every need that she may need. I read books and opened my mind up to every situation on how I could be the best mother ever. I was not particularly religious at that stage, but we even Christened her, just to be sure we do everything right. she would have the best life I could offer.

I must admit, even while lying on the surgery table the idea of what it meant to be a parent had not yet sunk in. I grew up in a house alone with my parents and even thou their means were limited I always got what I wanted, and I wanted this baby with my whole being. a few weeks into the baby drilling and I just was not coping. Emotionally I was spinning out of control, to point where I even became violent towards my baby. physically I was exhausted, I felt week. I was very overweight after Mekai’s birth and that too just became worse and worse. I started noticing that I would have this pattern, a type of cycle of behavior that just was not serving me. Even though everything inside me wanted to be the best mother, my actions proved to be selfish, ignorant and cold. I have no doubt that the bonding process between us was affected by my behavior. as she started walking and talking, I noticed that she was doing things the way I dig them, and this would infuriate me. how could I get mad at observing behavior that I was displaying? this human, was going to become the same self-indulged human that would be raising her, and I realized I needed to act, but what?

God? Was becoming a better mother linked to becoming a better human? I was confused and I started filling my mind with more information on personality types and behaviors. started linking my behaviors in patterns and realized that I was suffering from severe depression. I realized I had something phycologists referred to as childhood trauma. childhood trauma? sounds like permission you give yourself for your bad actions and I was not about to accept it. I was taking responsibility for my behavior, and I started forming new habits and patterns of behaviour to get me out of that rut, that feeling of being a complete failure.

Somehow, I made it thru weeks and then suddenly I would relapse and have some form of extremely over the top emotional outburst again. having my selfish behavior take control of 2015 I had started smoking cannabis on a regular basis. I had never been on medication before for Bipolar or ADHD or ADD which I was sure I would have been diagnosed with had my parents even taken me to be evaluated. I found that cannabis was reducing some of the symptoms of my depression. I found myself being more relaxed around my daughter, spending actual quality time instead of just irritation and fighting. As the depression started decreasing and I was peaking my head out from under my emotional blanket like a wild meerkat, I noticed I started speaking up for my concerns, but my blunt nature was coming across as critical and judgmental. I realized that I had been treating people exactly the way I had been judging them for. My demeanour needed work and I was not exactly sure where to begin. I felt healed but unschooled.

Nevertheless, by the time my son was born I was able to start exercising, eating healthy and I was living a much happier life in general. I was happily married treating him with more respect and I felt communication had been cleared and open between us. I was doing much better with my son than I did with my daughter, but I was growing daily, becoming more and better for family was my everything, I was going to make sure I was deserving of their love. I would always seek ways of improving. (This type of thinking I realized later was delusional, but that is for another blog). I then had this dream one night. It was God and he said that I had a job to do. I needed to feed a nation and he was going to give me 3 fish and 2 loaves of bread to do it. I remember waking up feeling so strange as I was not even attending church. but the thought stayed with me. Me? a chosen one? ha, lady have you met me? I am wildfire and mist. my heart was hard and my tongue the sharpest weapon. how would I ever be useful for ‘saving ‘ anyone? I started doing research on an idea called: Awakening. I called up an old family friend, someone I am sure was placed here to help guide my spiritual ascension, and she showed me the way to an Institution that would answer all my spiritual, religious or phycological questions that I might have had. without giving me any information on the place or the content of the course, I signed up for the first one (they have 3 in total, each one a next clearing level).Insight Light Training Centre. I spend 5 days there of being ripped apart. they take all your bullshit and throw it right back at you. by playing a game of What do you want, I finally realized my life purpose. who I was and what I needed to do to get there?

They made me see my sociopathic Narcissistic behavior, they made me look straight at myself with all the decisions I had been making that was holding me back. I saw the girl I once used to be. the one that loved the sun and had time for bees. the one with feet covered in soil and ponytails with mud. I remember the joy I had for life. how I just always wanted to bring joy. It made me see how I was inflicting nothing but pain and isolation on those I claimed to love. I saw my manipulation tactics; I saw how I played a situation to my advantage for my own selfish gain and the more I displayed the pattern of behavior in my life the more isolated and estranged I became not just to others but to myself. the me before the adulting, before others’ opinions and the way life captures us in boxes captured me.

I promised myself that day that I would never allow that to happen again. I would never suppress either side of me. I would life a life free of my mind and its own perceptions. I endured on a quest of spiritual growth. If God made me (whoever God Is, ” the creator”) and he made me so uniquely special that I am 1 in 400 000 000 000 humans on this planet, and the exact conditions for my birth to my parents in the time I was born leads back hundreds of years. Why would God make a Sociopathic Narcissist’s a mother? If I were created in his image, does that make God a sociopath too? I decided that I would take the route of spiritual growth. I decided that I was meant to be this way and depending on if I was being selfish or if I was following my purpose, the definition of who I was started taking a different shape. By Taking responsibility for my actions and giving others room for error and sharing love instead of ” advice” I grew my social circle and people started wanting to be around me. the more I got to share all the love that had been inside the whole time, the more whole I started to feel. the easier it was to accept my mistakes and my weaknesses and shine in my talents. To this day, the most liberating experience of my life was attending that Centre and the journey it took me on. I Woke up and it was amazing.

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