Affirmations in this universe comes down to being careful what you wish for.
I Have always had a troubled relationship with my mother growing up. At the age of 21 I was filled with more fire in my belly than ever before.
Everything I did was filled with vigor and passion. Rebellious by nature and untamable.
My childhood, filled with trauma as with most of us, left its marks on my young adult life.
It is not that I was an only child, just that I was the only child in the house. Filled with resentment and a lot of self-protection, I entered the world a young, angry and confused adult.
Living as an Au pair after school allowed me the opportunity to genuinely appreciate the role of a mother in a child’s life. It helped me to see how she was always there for me. In her own way. Doing the best, she could with what she had and for about 2 years we enjoyed the relationship of mother and daughter like I had always dreamed of growing up. It turned out that not sharing the same house was what we needed. My mother had raised a strong-willed firebreather, I was going to conquer the world when my heart filled all over again when the news came of my mother’s passing.
Suddenly I Found myself in a dark hole. It was time to fight for my sanity as for the first time in my life I started dealing with the childhood trauma. I was angry, I was sad I was alone.
My selfish actions during this time lead me to attempting suicide. what was the purpose of this life if it was only for suffering? and God?
If God is love, then he had forsaken me.
At that time, I felt the unbelievable urge to have a baby, it consumed me and with the loss of my partner due to my actions it seemed I had managed to destroy a perfect white picket fence life I had dreamed of. I remember very clearly during an argument with this partner after finding me convulsing from the attempted overdose, telling him I only wanted him to be my friend and not my husband, I wanted him to be the father of my children even if we did not end up together. A contract was signed between our two souls that day as this heated argument ended up in a pregnancy Just a few weeks later. looking back on my journey.
It would be foolish to not recognize that this event – Marked the start of my awakening process.
During this pregnancy I started changing. Religious beliefs and traditions suddenly became important to me. I was doing all kinds of research on re incarnation, why God gives us life. what does it mean to be a woman? what is the role of a mother.
I was determined to be the best mother to my daughter I could ever be.
It was for me to be better. It was so that I could have another opportunity at the bond between a mother and her daughter. One evening a black cat showed up at the house. it just climbed thru the window and made itself at home. it seemed the cat would remain in the baby’s room most of the time. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and was considering how I would remove the cat once the baby came as I was scared for the cat in the cot with the baby.
Mekai was born 18 months after the death of my mother. Two weeks before her birth, I found the same cat dead in the street. It was not run over but it appeared the cat had fallen from the sky as it was more of a splat than a cat. Unfortunately, there has not been a person to convince me yet that, that cat was not my mother, and that my mother does not live on in my daughter. It was this idea of re incarnation that made me more convinced and more driven than ever to be a better mother for my daughter. To break the cycle and to raise powerful young women, strong and with a good belief of their purpose on earth.
If it was my mother incarnated – I was going to be the mother, she needed to be the woman that attained a higher spiritual path than in the previous life. For the crimes against my mother, it makes sense that she now takes the form of my child, wild and wonderful.
I have embraced the opportunity I have been given to be her mother, and I will not stop until I see her greatness, her suffering ended with me.